I will love you until the last breath leaves my body
by effyrodriguez
Summary: I could feel him all around me thickening the air I'm breathing. His hands slowly make their way down my pale chest while his eyes rake over me. But as I reciprocate, his movements become languid and his touches become more gentle. As my fingertips drift over his swollen lips he gazes at me with those half-lidded eyes full of lust and sorrow.


Summary: Matthew is currently in a mental hospital as he is trying to be 'cured'. Due to the treatments Matthew is not himself (he drifts in and out of reality). Thomas is dead and Matthew is reminiscing about their forbidden affair.

* * *

**1938**

**Matthew's Pov**

I could feel him all around me thickening the air I'm breathing. His hands slowly make their way down my pale chest while his eyes rake over me. But as I reciprocate, his movements become languid and his touches become more gentle. As my fingertips drift over his swollen lips he gazes at me with those half-lidded eyes full of lust and sorrow. He lifts my chin up so my eyes meet his but they are not the ones I adore so much. They have been replaced with ones belonging to a woman.

I feel a nurse run her fingers up and down my back and I'm brought back to reality. My cheeks flare with embarrassment at the state of my soiled trousers and my vomit covered shirt. I let my eyes close, but once again more disturbing images plague my mind. As I take a deep breath my lungs stretch and fill with cigarette smoke of which the nurse reeks. The nausea returns and I wish he was the one beside me.

"It's alright Mr. Crawley, there is no need to be upset. I'll just run another bath for you." The young nurse takes my hand in hers and guides me towards the loo. Susan, one of the few nurses I've come to adore, reminds me so much of Sybil. Her kindness and boldness warms my heart, yet tears it apart. How I wish Sybil was here.

Once we reach the restroom she tries to strip me of my garments but I push her away. I want to show her that I'm not weak and that a woman shouldn't be doing a man's job. I bring my hand up to unbutton my shirt but realize that my arms, hands, and all my limbs feel shaky and I let out a frustrated sigh. "I'm sorry, I thought I could…" She gives me a short nod and helps me into the tub once I'm fully nude. Shivers wrack my body as she pours the bucket of ice water upon my skin.

My mind starts to wander off and I imagine him wrapped inside my arms. The splashing of water could be heard as my hand grasps his cock and he tilts forward shocked by my actions. I start to pump his cock slowly and his breathing becomes ragged as his body tenses. It's not long before he comes and his seed mixes in with the water.

I hear Susan call my name and I'm taken away from him once again. "I'm sorry but I must get you back to your room. Your afternoon visitor has arrived." I let myself be half-carried out of the tub and it is then I realize the discomfort. She continues drying me off as if my erection is not evident. I'm once again full of shame. Shame that I thought I had rid myself of when I had got here.

The room still smells of vomit as Alfred takes a step inside and he gags a bit as he comes to sit beside me. "Good afternoon sir. It's good to see you."

These are the visits I enjoy most as Alfred doesn't treat me like a patient. He talks to me in such a way that I feel human again. He doesn't give me sympathy. Though he does annoy me by calling me sir. It makes me feel old.

"It's good to see you too but I'd prefer if you'd call me Matthew." I reply.

"Oh, I'm sorry if I offended you it's just that I'm used to addressing people that way." Alfred blushes in embarrassment and I can't help but chuckle.

"It's alright." I say and I start to drift off and wonder how Thomas would react to such a humble man. He'd probably destroy the gentleman's reputation in a day. My gaze drifts over to Alfred who appears to have a worried expression upon his face. "Don't mind me I'm just daydreaming a bit." I say and he gives me a small smile.

"You can talk about him if you want to. I don't mind." Alfred seems to be accustomed to how my mind works.

"I don't think the nurses would appreciate me speaking so highly of Thomas. I'm supposed to be forgetting about him not remembering." I say.

Alfred looks around before he reaches out and caresses my cheek in the palm of his hand. "You'll never forget him Matthew and I'd greatly appreciate it if you tell me about him. I want to know about the man who made you happy." As tear makes its way down his pale features, I gently wipe it away. I never thought Alfred would care for me the way he does. It frightens me how I could make him unfold before me and beg me to tell him about my first love. I think back to when Thomas made me promise him that I would find someone who would love me as much as he did. As much as I didn't believe him then, something about Alfred makes me believe that he could be the one.

"Very well then where shall I start?" I say and I manage to make Alfred laugh.

* * *

**Jimmy's Pov**

I lay my head against the comforting bricks as I take a drag. Closing my eyes, I let the sound of the cheering crowd fill my ears. Opening them again, I see the different colors the crowd creates as they become more restless. Round and round they go as blotches of red appear in front of me. I sway with the crowd but it's not long before I'm knocked to the floor. "I'm sorry mate." Alfred lends me his hand and I'm not surprised that it was him.

"What are you doing here?" I ask. Frankly I'm more surprised that Alfred would even involve himself with politics.

"I just came to see a friend but I best be going now." He rushes away, leaving me to my thoughts.

The cigarette I had moments before lays wasted on the floor. As I go to remove it I notice something that was not present before. I inspect the object and notice that it contains Alfred's writing. Continuing to read the letter, I'm taken aback to see that it is addressed to Matthew Crawley. In that moment I realize that I've been blessed. For years I have tried to pin down Alfred on anything but he would always have a clean slate. But just this once he has given me the upper hand to rid myself of him.

When everyone has gone to bed I decide to visit Mr. Carson. As I enter his office torn paper surround him and the lines on his forehead are beyond control. "Mr. Carson may I have a word?" he looks at me with tired eyes.

"This better be of importance." Mr. Carson says.

"It is Mr. Carson. In fact it concerns Mr. Nugent." I reply. He appears more attentive as I hand him the letter. "As much as I respect Mr. Nugent I felt I could not let this carry on." I say as Mr. Carson is hesitant to open the letter.

"I assumed you read it." Mr. Carson says and I just nod my head.

"Maybe I'm wrong but from that letter it appears that Mr. Nugent has been visiting Mr. Crawley and that they have been engaging in risky behavior." I spit out in disgust.

* * *

**1914**

**Matthew's Pov**

As the sky slowly darkens I'm able to enjoy the silence. My fellow comrades and I lay huddled together trying to preserve as much warmth as we can. I watch as Corporal Barrow pulls a cigarette from his pocket and takes a long drag. He hands me the cigarette and I take a puff.

"Do you miss anyone back home?" I ask as a thin veil of smoke envelops him.

"I'm afraid not sir. I'm not well liked," he tells me. "I actually envy you sir as you have someone who is waiting for you on the other side. I have no one." He lets out a strangled sob. I place my hand on his thigh and give it a gentle squeeze. His deep blue eyes meet mine and he places his hand over mine. I sense he longs for a bit more comfort but this is the best I could do without bringing any unwanted attention. As we remain in the comfort of one another I reach into my pocket and hand him the very thing I hold dear. "I want you to have this." He shakes his head but I still place it in his hand.

Within seconds the once calm and collected man has turned into a nervous wreck. "I can't take this sir, it means more to you than it does to me." He says even though he already has Lady Mary's stuffed animal in the palm of his hand. I wrap my hand around his grasped one and our eyes meet once more. "Do it for me Thomas. I may not know who you truly are but here we're all the same and if you know that someone is waiting for you on the other side it will keep you going." We exchange no more words throughout the night. I lay beside him, our hands intertwined as we gaze at each other until dawn.


End file.
